Other than a pretty rough breakup my junior year of college, I don’t think anything in my life has ever made me feel as bad about myself as I do now. My kids were – and I hate to put it this way – awful today. I couldn’t do anything to control them. Another experienced teacher had to take over the class at the end and even he – an experienced educator – couldn’t control them either. Something has to change. Where we are now is completely untenable.
I threw up this morning from anxiety about school and haven’t managed to eat anything all day. I can feel myself slowly sinking into a place where I can’t eat/sleep/work but instead just worry and feel sick at the thought of going back to school for another day.
Lesson planning seems utterly and completely pointless; I could walk in completely blind and still get just as much done as I’m doing right now. I met my MTLD today. She saw my classroom melting down and then she saw me crying afterwards. Someday we’ll look back on this and laugh. Someday I’ll remember how she saw me grow up & become a teacher from those horrible first days. Someday this will be a funny/ridiculous story. But right now it just kind of sucks.
I have some meetings tonight to try and figure everything out. Most of what I’ve tried so far – behavior narration, assigned seating, engaging lessons, positive rewards, building relationships, the BMC – has proved ineffective so far. I’m trying not to lose trust but it’s hard. You know what else is hard? Knowing that I am building essentially no concrete teaching skills to help me next year. all I do with my day is yell at sixth-graders. There really is no teaching happening and I will be the first to admit that.
My kids deserve better.
I’m not really sure how to pull myself out of this rut right now. I only have two more days of teaching and then I’m heading to Austin for 4th of July weekend. As for right now, I’m going to finally have dinner and then watch The Bachelorette and try to plan two lessons and have meetings. I feel like there’s no end in sight and it is absolutely exhausting.